Saturday, July 27, 2002

Ah crap...

Sometimes people piss me right the hell off. The more people I get to know, the more I like my cat.

I tell myself, "Get Real Jim," shit happens. Yeah, right. I was walking out of my facility today with my colleague Susan and she had to run back in to get her purse. She handed me a book. It was yet another of Susan's, "Social worker, earth-shoe-wearing, touchy-feelie, yoga, philosophy-self-help malarkey" books. I scoffed at it and made a smart comment per usual but Susan is one of these people who is happy all the time and pisses me off being that way.

Mr. Negative.

Susan spouted something over her shoulder as she walked into the building - to the tune of, "The book is blah, blah, blah - excellent, blah, blah ....insightful."

I try to avoid insightful things whenever possible, but my curiosity was piqued. Damn her. I looked down at the book and the word/name, "Christ," caught my eye. That almost wrecked it for me right there, but I opened it anyway. The page I opened it to was entitled, "Intentions."

I read one paragraph.

Five minutes later I was still reading. This crap was making a hell of a lot of sense. I have been thinking that I wish I would have taken it home with me. The first paragraph said something to the tune of, "Our intentions are based on our beliefs...." or some such thing. Anyway, to paraphrase a bit, this book was telling me that based on my fucked up past life and the things I learned back then, morals, beliefs, guilt, hurt, pain, remorse, suspiciousness, manipulation, sarcasm is what I base things on now.

Oh shit.

In a matter of five minutes I had an answer to one of my life's questions, "Why the hell do I do and say and feel the things I feel, even when most people don't do and say and feel these things too?"

Evidently it is due to all the crap I am still carrying with me. Damn. So, people don't really suck I guess, I guess it's my perception of them based on what I learned to perceive long ago. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a little cave, shut the door and keep to myself. I'd have my laptop of course....and my Webber barbecue grill and my cat and a pack or two of cigarettes and food....hamburgers and shit....and a couple porno flicks and my right hand and my memory of my travels and coffee. That's all I'd need. Milk. I'd need milk for my coffee. That's all I'd need. Television. I'd need television to watch Law & Order and that's all I'd need. Cat box. I'd need a cat box and litter. That's all I'd need. Toilet paper. You gotta have toilet paper...and that's all I'd need. Who the hell needs human companionship? They only say hurtful things and dish out loads of guilt and suck you dry. A video cassette recorder. I'd need one to play the porno flicks. That's all I'd need. Oh, and a flashlight...that's surely all I'd need.

Okay, so let's do some serious reflection here....I'm forty freaking' seven years old and single with no children. I am sick and tired of hearing how damn weird I am because I am not in a committed relationship or don't have a family or don't have kids. What kind of freak am I after all? Well I will freaking' tell you how freakish I am....I am so damn freakish that I don't get into fights with a spouse over some trivial stupid fucking ludicrous thing and carry that fight to work with me and get pissed all day and sit around and complain about my freaking' spouse and how damn miserable I am. I don't bitch because I have to do something stupid that I don't feel like doing because I share a life with my spouse and she has been bitching lately about the fact that I never do things that she wants to do and is now laying a guilt trip on me or cutting the quim off cause she wants her damn way. I am a freakish single guy who does exactly as he freaking' wants to ain't that a bitch? I don't have to sit and scream at my children because they lied to me or they won't do as I say and only want what they want and want it now and can't understand how selfish I can be because if I were like Martha's dad or Tommy's father, I would give them what they want and I can't possibly understand how miserable they can be because I would have to be a kid like them, living with an asshole father like me to really understand and I am such a loser father. I'm so freakish that when I encounter a parent / shittyattitude kid scenario, I just excuse myself and say, "I gotta go....see ya!" (wouldn't wanna be ya!!).

A flashlight. I'd need a flashlight....and books, I'd need books too. That's all I'd need.

I am so sick of people telling me, almost on a daily basis, "Oh, you'd be a great dad!" or "Oh, you don't mean that! You would love children if you had them." Yeah, and I might like suicide if I tried it once too...ya never know! There is a REASON I didn't have children. Did they ever think of that? Jesus. Kids are great as long as you can tell them to go home when you've had it with them. I am NOT a kid person. Don't believe me? Just ask a kid.

I'm not a loner. Why is it people label you a loner when you just want peace and quiet? Do I need to explain that I deal with attitudes and behaviors on a DAILY basis that most people choose to avoid whenever possible their lifetime? My home is my castle, my refuge, my sanctity. Leave me the hell alone and what do you care anyway?

My behavior is directly proportional to the way I view things in life and the way I view things in life are directly proportional to my belief systems set up at an early age. Oh God. Listen to me. What the hell went wrong? Or right?

A toothbrush. I'd need a toothbrush....



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