Saturday, May 04, 2002

Got my hair cut yesterday. I must be getting old....I know my hairdresser, her son, her colleage and her colleage's family, and I bring my photo scrapbook of my trip in to the hairdressers. Weird. Well, weird when you look back at my isolative life and how far I've come. Example is, I've gotta get ready in about 20 minutes to go get breakfast with my neighbor, Louie. Never did shit like that in the past. It's kinda neat.

I left work yesterday, feeling a funny feeling. I was feeling so much like a foreigner there. Getting irritated at little comments people were making and just feeling like nobody there REALLY knows me. Funny, I think I have a lot to do with that. I don't ALLOW them to know me. Only a small handful of people really know me and they sure aren't the people I work with. I just had to get out of there and get out of there I did, leaving early, planning to use a little chunk of my annual time to make up for it.

My heart tells me to move change something in my life. A friend dropped something in my lap last week that tells me it may be sooner than later. People say, "Just let things happen Jim.....don't try to control it." Ha! I say. I gotta crawl behind the steering wheel every time. I'd feel useless if I didn't. Sometimes I just feel so DIFFERENT than others. I often wonder if others feel that way. One of my friends from high school back home in El Paso, Texas, used to call me a rogue:

*An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal. One who is playfully mischievous; a scamp. A wandering beggar; a vagrant
*A vicious and solitary animal, especially an elephant that has separated itself from the herd.
*An organism, especially a plant, that shows an undesirable variation from a standard.
*An immoral or licentious person: libertine, seducer, tempter, lecher, satyr, debaucher, profligate, rake, voluptuary, reprobate, roué, sensualist.

Holy crappola batman. Most is true! But that doesn't make me a bad guy, does it? I have lived a different life than most and often I end up compairing myself to others, conscious to where I've been, what I've experienced and what I've done or what has been done to me......and I just feel different. No, not just different-different, but D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T. Really, not ALIEN different or WEIRD different, but DIFFERENT.

So what, you say.....well, this is my blog and I can say anything I want to. Currently, some interesting things are happening in my life and I am trying to listen to my heart. Nobody on the face of this earth, that I have shared the stuff with, is supportive and that's okay. Nobody seems to understand, but then they are not really me, don't REALLY know me, and well.......I guess it really doesn't matter cause ultimately it's all up to me anyway. Isn't that so? I often wonder how much emphasis we place on other people's opinions.

Enough rambling, I shall go take my Thorazine now......

Jeeem (with three e's please)


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