Jim's quiet musings . . .

It's been a rough few weeks here on the home front.

This venture I am on is proving to be a total bitch of an undertaking. I tend to vacillate between thinking I made a terrible blunder in judgment, to renewed hope that I will fight to the bitter end for my cause. One of the most difficult things about all this is the wait. In this age of speed, with microwaves, DSL, SMS, so-on-and-so-forth, everything in my life has been, "There will be a six week processing phase..." "You should hear from us in a month."

My first interview on December 31st, with a local hospital to the south of me seemed positive. They said, "You'll be hearing from us by the end of the week." I was psyched! This was it! It was going to happen!!!! My hard work was finally going to pay off. Well, almost four weeks later, after repeated phone calls, voice mail messages and e-mails, I was finally called (from a person I hadn't even met) to say they couldn't contract with me. Meanwhile, my mortgage company called to wish me a Happy New Year and to inform me of the impending foreclosure proceedings. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Of late, I've had another interview with a local hospital, which took the motivation right out of me. Ever have a conversation with somebody who holds a lot of power? I had forgotten just how bad the power struggle in nursing was, especially for a male nurse and SUPER DUPER ESPECIALLY for a male nurse with a disciplinary hearing in his past. I was informed that I was attempting to enter a field that was dominated by women! Damn! I'm glad they clarified that for me. Hell, looking at this woman, the irony was the fact that I had entered the medical field when she was probably still filling her diapers.

What an idiotic statement. How the fuck was I supposed to respond to that?

Well, I've had to bite that sharp tongue of mine lately and that is part of what is taking the wind out of my sails. I don't like bending over and spreading my ass cheeks to anyone, but I don't have the flexibility to express my true feelings to some of these power hungry, patronizing shit heads. It's also getting old, my having to dredge up my dark, felonious past, assuming the position, my ass in the air awaiting their phallic degradation.

There's so much a guy can take.

So, here it is the weekend and I'm pausing and reflecting. I'm waiting for an answer from this hospital and the power dyad I spoke with last week. If the results are positive I shall go forth and conquer but will most likely lose my house in the process. If the results are negative, I've reached the point where I must leave well enough alone, go get a job and cut my loses.

My support system consists of my wonderful lady Wanda and her girls, a handful of local friends and my tremendous support system spanning the globe. Without you guys I'm not sure I would have gotten this far, so I thank every last one of you for your supportive comments, the laughs you've given me during tough times and rooting for me to have the courage to forge ahead.

-Jeeem-