Thursday, April 03, 2003

My daily walk has become something I truly anticipate every morning. It is a time where I can explore my philosophies while looking at the beauty around me. I kept a steady pace today, rummaging around in my brain for answers to questions I am asking for today, which may not be of importance tomorrow.

I am anything but ambiguous towards life and I struggle almost every day to find the answer - thoughts slamming into my head that demand attention. Something I read today gave me a bit of satisfaction that I thought I would share with all my readers…

“Happy isn’t everything; other emotions are important too: anxiety, self-doubt, loneliness, frustration, anger, self-pity. It’s an unequaled opportunity for self-reflection, learning to face these things head on, without distractions.”

That passage gave me direction today and answered questions. You see, I was angry and struggling with it. Struggling because I’ve been conditioned to think anger is bad and happiness is good. So, my self-doubt kicked in and I was searching for a way to let my anger go, which I believe was the wrong thing to do at the time.

Last night I heard of one man’s actions that were damaging to another human being. This man took it upon himself to give his opinion, which was damaging to another person whom I care about. In re-thinking this situation, I do not question his opinion so much as I question his motive. Again, this morning, I read an e-mail that disturbed me. Someone gave their opinion without really knowing me or the other person who was involved, which frankly pissed me off. Again, I came to a place where I did not question their opinion so much as I questioned their underlying motive.

My dad used the saying “They’re talking out their asshole” to denote someone who was blathering on about something they knew nothing about. People seem to be good at that. When I say “people” I have to include myself because I am a “people” too. But, there exists the phenomenon in life of those who make things happen, those who stand around waiting for things to happen and those who stand there saying, “What the fuck happened?”

Motive is a subtle, shady figure that lurks in the back alleyways of one’s mind and is often disguised as opinion. People on the receiving end who are less savvy than most (i.e., don’t have a clue) never really get it. It doesn’t affect them. It can’t. They are the innocents. I worked with handicapped people, more appropriately labeled “mentally challenged,” and have seen the benefits they obviously have. Others, myself included, who are fairly adept at taking a pragmatic view of people’s motives that are stealthily disguised behind their “opinion” are affected by this onslaught and it pisses us off.

If I had not become angry at these two instances of gutless motive disguised as opinion, I would not have been able to process it. My question is what was the motive? That question you can only guess. One cannot, even in today’s highly technological world, understand one’s motive without delving into somebody’s thoughts. I’ve often said, and truthfully so, “I could be locked up for what goes through my mind.”

People just are not what they seem.

You see, I believe that our world is not as we see it. It’s rather achromatic, for lack of a better word, and we color it based on our own perceptions. Life is just one big coloring book and as we grow and mature, we’re “given” some crayons of different colors. Some of us get by with the little tiny boxes of eight and others have the big box of 96 with the sharpener.

People have typically seen my exploits on this earth as rather “out of the box” to coin a phrase of a man I used to admire. I loved that phrase because it told me that there is a world out there, beyond the box I had fit myself into. So, my push has been to live outside the box and when you do that, somebody is always going to complain about it. The man I admired used that phrase a lot but truth be told, his motive eventually came out, which was to razzle and dazzle by appearing different, when in fact he wasn’t and lives in his own tight little box. When this man learned of my planned move to China, his response was, “I thought you would eventually grow out of that.”

Guess my plans were a little too out of his box.

Opinions are most definitely like assholes. Everyone has one, but the question to ask is, “Is this a real opinion or is there an ulterior motive behind it?” For me anyway, the unexamined life is not worth living. You can’t change the past or the nasty little annoying things people will tend to do, but you can at least try and make some sense out of it.



Web Analytics